How to Tinder Like a Boss

How Tinder works

For those of you living under a rock or recently released from solitary confinement, this is how the app TINDER works. A picture of a potential mate living within your established mile radius will pop up on the screen with a 500 character description.  If you find the person in picture attractive, you swipe left if you don’t then you swipe right. Basically, it gives you the power to judge like a nefarious Caligula making snap judgements about another humans worth based on looks. FUN!

The importance of proper technique

The beauty of Tinder is that if you keep going on dates that turn out to be failures, then it is not Tinder’s fault, it’s YOUR fault.  You are the filter and believe it or not the pictures and profiles can be very telling if you can spot proper clues.  Being a person of discerning in nature, I swipe about 200 NO’s for every 1 YES. Nope, I’m not a beauty queen nor a model, I’m just a reasonably intelligent woman with aspirations and a healthy dose of self-esteem.

My profile

I keep my profile low key.  I do have a couple of bikini shots because it just so happens that I like going to vacations to the Caribbean and it’s one of the few times I look genuinely happy devoid of a cynical smirk.  The other pictures show my energy and creativity.  They say “Hey! I’m doing stuff” and hopefully a guy that likes my profile says “I also like doing the same stuff!” My 500 character description is simple. I show humor, pathos, I reveal a bit of sensitivity and a smidge of attitude.  Basically, it says I’m nice, smart and low key, but don’t fuck with me.

My thought process

STEP 1 – The Snap Judgement:……NO, NO, NO, HELL NO, WHAT THE?!, NO, NO, NO, GROSS!, UGH!, I’M GONNA DIE ALONE, SIGH!, NO, NO, NO, Fuck this!, I should get back to work, NO, NO, NEVER!!, Oh! He’s cute!

STEP 2 – I Read the profile:

  • Are there many spelling mistakes?  There’s nothing wrong with being dyslexic, but considering that the profile is like a resume that guys use to get laid, one has to wonder about his intelligence if he is not at least getting a friend to proofread it.  If the guy says he’s foreign, he has a pass to make tons of spelling mistakes, but I find that they are actually better spellers than the natives.
  • Does he talk about what he does? At 32, I need a guy pursuing an advanced degree or working full time because otherwise I assume he is lazy and has self-esteem issues.  I don’t want to go out to dates to Chick-Fil-a or Denny’s.  Are they unemployed? I keep swiping.  Ambition is a big turn on for me and a very rare trait to find. An ambitious, brainy guy will Google proper foreplay technique and understand the placement of the G-spot because they hate to suck at anything they do – ain’t nothing wrong with exploiting that.
  • Does he reveal hobbies and interests? I reduce the probability of an awkward date – one full of fidgety silences where I end up praying that my best friend careens off a road and calls asking for immediate help – by making sure that the potential suitor shows that he has interests in hobbies that I am also into.

STEP 3 – I scope out the pictures:

A TINDER profile can have up to six pictures, so like a cryptologist looking for bomb coordinates, I use a discerning eye to weed out wierdos and reduce the likelihood of getting dick pick texts from random strangers.  They need to have more than one picture on their profile, otherwise, I keep swiping.  I like pictures that reveal a person sense of humor, interests, and hobbies.

I swipe NO for the following:

  • Selfie pics of them at the gym or at home with their shirt off. This guy is probably really into himself and most likely not looking for anything deeper than to be told how hot he is.  A six pack does not necessarily translate to good conversation or decent sex. NEXT!
  • Too many pictures of them with girls. This sends a confusing message.  Are you showing off what a player you are? Is that your sister, or your girlfriend? Are you in an open relationship? Did all those girls dump you? What is wrong with you?! NEXT!
  • Too many pictures of them with dudes.  This also sends a confusing message.  I don’t like the game of “spot the same guy in all the pictures” because it reminds me of an SAT question. Be realistic guys – IF you are the least attractive among your friends, don’t put pictures of yourself with your hot friends because in my giddy excitement, I might expect your hot friend to show up.  Don’t try to fool me! NEXT!
  • Pictures of children**I don’t want to complicate my life much more than it already is. I won’t swipe NO if there is a picture of a kid because it might be a niece or nephew and they are trying to show what lackadaisical fun they are.  However, I keep that picture BURNED into my memory and remember to ask! I don’t want the baby bomb shell dropped after several sexual encounters in which, one day, out of the blue, he kicks me out of the bed mid coitus because he just remembered he has custody of his 5 year old that day.  ALSO, children aren’t usually the problem, it’s potentially neurotic and insane ex-wives or girlfriends that are the problem. Children are the glue that bind those potentially hazardous women to a man…and therefore, like Velcro, to an unsuspecting woman.  I’m smart. I don’t wear Velcro.

STEP 4 – First Contact:

Once I’ve been matched, I make it a point to contact that individual.  You Tarzan, me Jane.  Let me now place you under a microscope via irreverent witty text banter.  This part is the prelude to an actual date and is very important.  I ask questions about one of their interests, figure out if they have a job, and try to gauge their sense of humor.  The point is to establish enough rapport to avoid a disastrous first date.  I’m a curious person and get very talkative on dates, so once I have enough fodder, I proceed to set a date.

STEP 5 – First Date:

The Swagger – I show up dressed a little nicer than I do at work.  Since I want to meet someone special who will understand me on intellectual and physical levels, I want my date to respect me, want to get to know me, and not just get inside of me.  My focus is on looking put-together, color coordinated, and NOT slutty.  Basically, I dress as if I was meeting his Grandma.  I avoid make-up and let my freckles and wrinkles shine through because it’s only downhill from there baby!  The problem with make-up is that should one engage in fun drunken sex, layers of the stuff will invariably migrate across your face like Pangea and leave one looking like a homicidal child eating clown from a Stephen King thriller.  Remember Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong…or something like that.

The Location – I like meeting at low key places that are inexpensive and boisterous enough to facilitate fun conversation and people watching opportunities.  Personally, I would never eat a salad on a date just to seem dainty. I eat with gusto, mostly because I’m usually starving, but also because they love seeing a girl show enthusiasm when she eats.

Payment – PIPE DOWN! I’m talking about payment for FOOD and not for sex, but I don’t judge.  I’ve been stupidly giving sex away for free all these years and totally understand why a woman would want to charge for it.  ANYWAY, I’m a proud person and don’t feel comfortable with anyone paying for my food, especially if I just met that person.  I throw my card down as soon as I can to prevent a skirmish over a check.  Ladies, here’s why I do this: By the end of the night I get to hear some horror stories about how shitty women are to them and I am compelled by guilt to prove to them otherwise.

My final advice for women

I would encourage women to be themselves.  Dress natural, act natural, and don’t be afraid to make a joke at their expense.  If you are looking for a potentially serious relationship, don’t start off by masquerading as someone you are not.  If you’re smart flaunt it! Don’t dumb yourself down because you should be with someone who will respect you as an equal partner.  Most of all, have fun and remember that if your experiences keep ending in a disaster, it’s totally within your realm to change the outcome by changing your approach.  Don’t be afraid to set high standards for yourself if you are looking for something more serious.

LADIES and GENTLEMEN! BE A GUEST BLOGGER AND SHARE YOUR BAD TINDER EXPERIENCE WITH THE WORLD. FEEL FREE TO E-MAIL ME AT lessonsinreality@gmail.com. TURN YOUR NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE INTO SOMETHING WE CAN ALL LAUGH AT.

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2 thoughts on “How to Tinder Like a Boss

  1. My takeaway from this article is that withholding sex from a man for purposes of manipulation starts at the initial conversation. Under the guise of needing a man to get to know a woman.

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    • That is a very interesting takeaway Jay. As far as sex is concerned, I advocate that people do whatever they want. Sex on the first date, sex on the second date, I don’t judge. Personally, I never went on a date expecting or wanting sex, and most of the girls that I know don’t either. They aren’t withholding, by the way. Withholding implies that she was going to give you some from the get-go and that is usually not the case. I know guys that choose not to have sex with a girl from Tinder even though she is totally up for it, and it’s usually because they think she is dumb or not attractive. It really depends on how discerning your tastes are and what your goals is on Tinder. Everyone has a right to make their own decision about sex, you know that! You could also say that taking a girl out to dinner is a form of manipulating a her into having sex. Let’s face it, all interactions between people are forms of manipulations, and when it comes to decisions that need another person’s consent, you don’t always get what you want.

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